9/11

When I woke up to get ready for school on this day nine years ago.. I never knew it would have such big of impact on me. Nine years ago I woke up and was eating breakfast before I went to school. I heard my dad come screaming down the stairs telling us to turn the TV on. After we did my parents burst into tears, and I myself was in complete shock. And I was only nine years old. Once I got to school that was all we watched in class that day. The news was in every class room. It seemed like the day was never going to end and I still remember it like it was yesterday. That night we did a candlelight vigil. One that the whole US came united and did together. Many US citizens lost their loved and dear ones on that day.. and many are losing them now as we fight int he war that was caused because of that day. After that day was over I didn't think it would have much impact on me as my life went on. Of course I would mourn and remember all of those who lost their lives but i didn't think it would matter this much in my heart. Now, my older brother is serving in the military and is in Iraq. Because of this day, nine years ago, My brother is over there and many of the people in the US have loved and dear ones fighting and some who have lost members of their families. It influences everyone, and we will never forget. Please remember today and the Events that have happened.. and please always pray for them and keep the people who are fighting for our freedom in your hearts. Because freedom isn't free..

Spill It

Okay so this is a "spill it" post. Where I just flat out tell everything that is on my mind. The good and the bad. I just spill..

So the bad:
Have you ever felt so alone? Where there is no one there who actually cares? Everyone says they do but in all reality, they couldn't really care less. you feel like the only person that you can really let all of your emotions and feelings out to is across the country? And you don't get to see them for a very very long time... but you always dream about the day you get to be in his arms again.. ugh.. It is not a fun ride.. then, you go to talk to your family and they don't really care either? In fact they are sick of you and don't want to listen to you? Have you ever felt like you don't belong in your family? Right now, that is how I feel. We never do certain things when my little brother isn't here cause he's at work or something like that so then they plan to do it when i'm not here cause i'm at work and they don't care. It's really annoying. Or even when your dad spends all of his time with your little brother spoiling him rotten and giving him whatever he wants then you go and ask your dad if you can do something with him, as little as going for a ride with him in his jeep, and he says no cause he's too tired, but then your little brother goes and asks him the exact same thing but he will do it in a heart beat? That definitely makes you feel like you don't belong or your not important enough. it's sickening really. Waiting for Josh has helped strengthen my relationship with my parents in a way.. but I have fallen away from them a lot more. They don't even care about things I want to do anymore. Like I had an audition 2 weeks ago up at Utah State and they don't know anything about it. I went to tell them about it but that got interrupted by my little brother so I wasn't able to tell them cause they wouldn't listen. So I missed the audition. I feel like i'm just a kid in some big crowd. i'm there but no one really cares. especially in my family.

The Good:
I'm getting more hours at my job, meaning I am making more money!! Yay!! I have grown a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. On these nights that I really miss Josh or I feel so alone I have learned to pray and read my scriptures. Which is what has really been keeping me going. They have helped my and comforted me so much! My testimony has really been strengthened and it just amazes me. I know the Church is true. The end. It's the only thing that makes sense. My faith has been tested more than you can imagine and it just amazes me how you can feel the worst then with one little prayer that feeling goes away and you are just overwhelmed with peace, joy and happiness. It truly does amaze me. I love this Church and I am so thankful that I chose to support my boyfriend in his choice to serve a mission. Because of him many people will be able to share the same joy and happiness that we have and because of him we will be blessed. He is a truly amazing man and I love him with all of my heart. I can't wait to see him again!

The Call :] :] :]

So I woke up this morning at 6:18 to my ohone going off. And me of course thought it was the alarm so I just hit the end button and tried to go back to sleep. But, a minute later I hear it go off again, so here I am thinnking "what the heck?!?" So I look at my phone and someone is calling me. I tried to cough up my voice so whoever the heck was calling me at 6 in the morning didn't know that they woke me up. So I answer my phone and I hear "Hello? this is Josh.." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe it was him! I freaked out on the phone and said I didn't think he was going to call me, but they told him he could call whoever he wanted and HE CALLED ME!! I only got to talk to him for about 30 seconds until he had to go, but I was trying to gather up everything in my head and realize that I was actually earing his voice!! After we said bye I was in complete aw. I didn't know what to think. When I finally got myself together I went up to tell my parents and right when I got into their room HE CALLED AGAIN!!! This time I got to talk to him for about 2 minutes but those 2 and a half minutes made today the best day in the world. I am definately on cloud nine!! Today is an amazing day! I am so so happy!! It was so good to hear him say "I love you" to me again and just to hear his voice... I will be replaying our conversation probably for the next 6 months till I can hear his voice again. Or until I get a tape. Today is an amazing day in my life! :]:] :]

06-20-10

Today's been a roller coaster. Actually, this whole weekend has been. I'm getting really sick again, and it's killing me, plus I don't have time to be sick. I have been going non stop. It's killing me. Plus this weekend i've been having a really hard time with Josh being gone.. And I was doing so good.. But I guess I broke down this weekend. It's been really tough.. hopefully i'll get a letter tomorrow. That would help a ton. So i'm hoping.. hoping.. hoping..

But on the plus side, I leave for Yellowstone on wednesday. I'm so excited! I really need a vacation. It will be so nice to get away for a while. But the drive might kill me. Three kids crammed in the back seat for 8 hours.. hmm... this isn't going to end well... Oh well.

Heartache...

Tonight is a really bad "missing Josh night".. this is really hard. And it's really hitting me that he's gone.. And I can't really talk to anyone about it because there is so much other stuff going on and no one really has time.. so this is where I get to express it all... my blog.. pathetic huh? Right noe, I wish I could just sleep for the nest two years and wake up on the day he comes home.. It just hurts so bad.. all I can do is sit here and cry.. I miss him more than anything..I just need to hear from him. Then it will be a little bit better. I juat wish I could really talk to someone anout it. Without smirky comments or anything like that. Just someone who won't talk, or if they do all they say is "i'm sorry" or " I understand, Just cry." just someone's shoulder to cry on.. but of course, with all the other crap going on, that's pretty much impossible. I just need to breathe and suck it up I guess. I feel so alone.. this blows.. I can't wait till things look up and I finally get my first letter!! Now back to stalking the mailbox..

Joshua's Farewell

Sunday was Joshua's farewell. He did so amazing! His talk was on the Atonement. It was the best talk I have ever heard. And i'm not just saying that because He's my boyfriend. It was really that good. Anyway.. his sister Amy invited me to sit up with her. it was so sweet! It really ment a lot to me that she did. I didn't think she liked me.. at all.. but now I think we'll get along. And she will help me through this. She's so sweet. I look up to her. She's such an amazing example. After his talk I went to Court Cassleman's house where a bunch of our friends went while we waited till Josh got out of the rest of church. When he did we all went up there. Josh wanted me to stay all day, so I did :) I like him :) As everyone came and went we were all pretty exhausted. But his cousin Taylor was there. She's so fun to be around. We were all playing card games with his family, and Taylor, Josh, and I all planned a way to cheat through the games :) it was sooo funny!! It made me laugh pretty hard. Afterwards.. Josh gave me a tour of his backyard. It's the prettiest backyard in the world. It's gorgeous. You could get lost in it for hours. It kinda makes you go off into your own little world. I love it. But we sat out there and talked for a while and it was an eperience that I will never forget. It was perfect really. He's my best friend. I can tell him anything, and he can tell me everything. He's the person that I am closest to, and I will always love him. i'm lucky to be in love with my best friend. :) But anyway.. then I came home and the day was over :( But it was a really good day. You cn tell that Joshua is ready to go out and teach the Gospel. He gets so excited about it. That's one of the things I love most about him. :) I love my best friend Elder Joshua Paul Garner! :]

Online Journal

So I have officially decided thatthis in my online journal. And even though I'm a couple days late, i'm going to write about mine and Josh's last date. So for our last date, we went and hiked Adams Canyon. It was so much fun! I had a blast! When we first got there we forgot Josh's camera. So we had to drive back home and get it. It was pretty funny, and not only that. When we got back we started hiking and realized that we had left it in the car. Haha, it was really funny. But sd we were hiking we wished we had taken a pocket knife or something to carve our initials into a tree or a log or whatever, but since we didn't we couldn't:( then we got to the waterfall. (Which is gorgeous by the way!) and played around up there for a little bit. There were some...strange... people there on the hike. But atleast that made it interesting! :) Then on our way back, we found a KNIFE!! It was sticking out of the ground!! So we picked it up and went and found a tree and carved our initials :) it was so perfect! And so awesome! So now, when I hike the trail this summer I can go and find it and recarve or make deeper our initials with the knife we found!! It was seriously so perfect!! Then when we were almost back Josh found wild flowers along the trail and he decided to pick a few for me! :) He's so sweet! Butit was the perfect activity for our date!
Then after we drove to his house and we ate some dinner while he got cleaned up, then swung by my house to pick a movie and let me get cleaned up. After all of this, we went and saw prince of Persia. It was a really good movie. I was actually surprised with how good it was. I liked it a lot. I even got all dressed up to go :) I was pretty proud of myself. Then after that he brought me home so he could go home and get some sleep for his farewell the next day. But it really was the perfect date. And to top it off thursday (06/03/10) We are going to go to the logan temple and do baptisms for the dead. And since he is an Elder he is going to baptize me :) I'm really excited! It will be ther perfect day! Anyway, I think that is enough for now, I will get on an dwrite about his farewell later. But for now,this is my online journal! :)