Spill It

Okay so this is a "spill it" post. Where I just flat out tell everything that is on my mind. The good and the bad. I just spill..

So the bad:
Have you ever felt so alone? Where there is no one there who actually cares? Everyone says they do but in all reality, they couldn't really care less. you feel like the only person that you can really let all of your emotions and feelings out to is across the country? And you don't get to see them for a very very long time... but you always dream about the day you get to be in his arms again.. ugh.. It is not a fun ride.. then, you go to talk to your family and they don't really care either? In fact they are sick of you and don't want to listen to you? Have you ever felt like you don't belong in your family? Right now, that is how I feel. We never do certain things when my little brother isn't here cause he's at work or something like that so then they plan to do it when i'm not here cause i'm at work and they don't care. It's really annoying. Or even when your dad spends all of his time with your little brother spoiling him rotten and giving him whatever he wants then you go and ask your dad if you can do something with him, as little as going for a ride with him in his jeep, and he says no cause he's too tired, but then your little brother goes and asks him the exact same thing but he will do it in a heart beat? That definitely makes you feel like you don't belong or your not important enough. it's sickening really. Waiting for Josh has helped strengthen my relationship with my parents in a way.. but I have fallen away from them a lot more. They don't even care about things I want to do anymore. Like I had an audition 2 weeks ago up at Utah State and they don't know anything about it. I went to tell them about it but that got interrupted by my little brother so I wasn't able to tell them cause they wouldn't listen. So I missed the audition. I feel like i'm just a kid in some big crowd. i'm there but no one really cares. especially in my family.

The Good:
I'm getting more hours at my job, meaning I am making more money!! Yay!! I have grown a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. On these nights that I really miss Josh or I feel so alone I have learned to pray and read my scriptures. Which is what has really been keeping me going. They have helped my and comforted me so much! My testimony has really been strengthened and it just amazes me. I know the Church is true. The end. It's the only thing that makes sense. My faith has been tested more than you can imagine and it just amazes me how you can feel the worst then with one little prayer that feeling goes away and you are just overwhelmed with peace, joy and happiness. It truly does amaze me. I love this Church and I am so thankful that I chose to support my boyfriend in his choice to serve a mission. Because of him many people will be able to share the same joy and happiness that we have and because of him we will be blessed. He is a truly amazing man and I love him with all of my heart. I can't wait to see him again!